Kurious About Karma

My religious leanings have never been a secret. I am pretty open about my beliefs and things but this might get a little hairy in spots so….if you might be offended by religion or disturbed by words of illness you might want to skip this blog.


One of the things I am a firm believer in is karma. I have talked about it before on more than one occasion. On this occasion it is a very specific instance and one about which I am curious to know other opinions.

Um the scary illness part. Many of you were around back on that fateful day in June last year and others of you read about it. For summary and those who weren’t here.

On June 6th last year I woke after a few very restless hours sleep. I was seriously disturbed. I was not sure why but I was certain that something was about to go very wrong. As was our way back then, I woke The Man and he jumped in the shower. He was always concerned with my sleep habits so insisted that I always stayed in bed until he was ready to leave. This never flew. I hopped out of bed, made coffee, got things ready for the day, and then hopped back in bed. I lay there trying to get a handle on the feeling I was having and couldn’t. The Man finished his shower and got dressed. He came and sat the edge of the bed and same as every morning I wrapped myself around him and across his lap for a hug. We kissed and cuddled there for a few minutes and then he had to leave. He went to the kitchen and got his coffee then headed for the door. Unable to stand it anymore, I dove out of bed and chased him to the door. I stopped him and hugged him again. With a few more kisses I urged him to be very careful and watched as he walked across the yard to his truck. I stood there uneasy and waved as he pulled out of the drive. I tried to put my concerns out of my mind and get on with my own day. I didn’t have much to do those days as I was still trying to get my leg to work so I could go back to work outside the house. I was just about to get in the shower when I heard my cell phone ring. I picked it up and saw that it was one of The Man’s employees. This usually meant a parts run for me but not today. As I answered the phone with a hello I was greeted with those words that would change my life forever.

“The Man is dead”.

A long story ensues here but as you probably all know by now he was only mostly dead. I prayed as I rushed to the hospital. I prayed as I held on to him for dear life. I prayed as I followed the ambulance that moved him from one hospital to another. I sat there alone in the ICU as I prayed one more time for guidance on the crucial question. You see The Man had always told me he had a living will. He never wanted to be kept alive on life support and yet here we were. The hospital told me he wasn’t going to make it. They told me he might be a vegetable the rest of his life on that damn machine that still to this day makes its erratic clicks, hums, and whistles in my nightmares. The last prayer I made before I gave the OK included a little bit extra beyond the please let him live I had been praying all day and night. There were the added thoughts of I am already sick, If you have to take someone please take me and let him live. Then I gave the Ok and they turned it off. There were a few heartbreaking seconds before he heaved up off the bed and began to breathe on his own. He had done it, he beat the death sentence.

Why is that important? It was while driving him around during his recovery that I began to have trouble seeing. I started to see what I describe as halos. I have always seen auras so don’t be confused. I mean that light began to break up into orb light halos. Polarized sunglasses became a necessity. Driving at night meant trying to avoid traffic to avoid the headaches.

Once The Man was stable I scheduled a physical just to be sure since MS has a symptom of visual disturbances. My doctor started testing that would eventually lead to the discovery of Maxwell. My second “terminal” issue. People often comment on my calm acceptance of this diagnosis. This is why, it is the price I paid to save the life of the man I love and it is worth every bit of price paid even today.

The karma issue comes in next. The Man eventually recovered. He took this illness almost eerily in stride, in fact he ignored it for the most part. He would become irate if you mentioned it. As I got sicker, he got better. He would eventually leave me. There were a whole lot of things that happened in that leaving. None of them were good for me. In short I was unemployed, dying, and he wanted the house which meant I would have to move elsewhere. Shortly thereafter things began to go badly for The Man. He developed an illness of his own, he lost a massive contract that crippled his business, and a variety of other things all bad. One night I mentioned to him that he seemed to have acquired some bad karma. He doesn’t believe in karma and was annoyed I would suggest such a thing. It has persisted over the months. I finally got a job and started working again and helped him with some bids and things that finally started to get some business going for him but not anything big. He accepted that I needed time to get my feet under me before I could move.

He has not held up on some promises he made to me. Notably, he promised to stay my friend and to be there for me. He hasn’t, in fact every time something has happened he has been notably absent. I got very very sick when I did that round of chemo. I had some problems with it to understate things. One night I called him and tried to talk to him. I told him I was very sick. He said he was at the grocery store and asked me about cauliflower. I told him I was in the parking lot of the hospital about to go in to the IC for help. He suddenly told me he had to go and would call me back and hung up. He didn’t. I was nursed through that initial bad reaction to the chemo and sent home. I went and tried to call him with no luck. I toughed it out as best I could. One night I didn’t show up somewhere I was expected and a friend got worried and came to check on me. I was alright but not by much. He made sure I got taken care of and made it a point to check in with me. When The Man found out, he became quite irritated and almost jealous it seemed. He began to call this friend “Big Friend” instead of just “Friend”. It became quite clear that every time I mentioned this friend The Man became jealous. This confused me more as if he had left me, how could he be jealous?

Recently The Man got irritated about something and in a fit of anger told me to go get laid. I got upset and just left the house. The next day he was quite the jerk to me then he disappeared for the weekend as usual. The following week he didn’t come around at all and well into the next week. Then he surfaced one day. Cranky, irate, and surly. He made some smart remark about “Big Friend” that included a reference to sex. I was puzzled and made that clear. He told me that he had heard I was sleeping with “Big Friend”. After I stopped laughing I told him that this was so far from the truth as to be almost hysterical. He finally believed me and things returned to almost normal. I say almost as he still periodically makes jealous sounding statements when the subject of “Big Friend” comes up and will not talk about him or acknowledge he exists.

One day he defended something by “I am your friend and being really nice and understanding with you. I promptly made a big deal about how he had NOT been there for me and how he HAS not been at all understanding or done any of the things he said he would. He was very upset at first but then called me later and said I was absolutely right and he apologized. He made what seemed a sincere effort to try to be better. Things finally began to pan out with the contract bids I had helped with and he got what looked like a potentially huge contract out of one.

I went out of town and upon my return he was again cranky, irate, and surly. Finally I got it out of him that he heard “about my trip”. I knew instantly but ignored the comment but made it clear with a few well chosen trip stories that “Big Friend” had not been involved in my trip and things calmed down again. But he again stopped making an effort to “be there” for me like he had promised. Just last night, I came rushing through the house after work. I was meeting an internet friend for the first time and was running late. As I pulled in the drive I saw The Man’s truck. I parked and rushed in. I said hi as I passed him, I fed the dog, and asked him to make sure she went out before he left. As I headed for the door he asked where I was going. Knowing that mentioning meeting an internet friend would spawn a fight since he disapproves of the blog media, I said the fateful shortcut words, “I have a date”. I trotted out the door and forgot about it.

When I arrived home later, I noticed I had e-mail. I opened it and it was from The Man. It was a list of things he wanted done and wanted done now. It was short, snappish, and not very nice in fact it was pretty horrible. He complained I had not done something the weekend before which was true because I had been sick in bed all weekend which he knew but he was angry anyway. He threatened to make me move even though I am still not yet able to. He questioned if I was even really sick or faking it on order to take advantage of him. I was upset by the nasty tone of the e-mail but sucked it up and replied to each question as if they had been nicely asked and then I went to bed. My phone rang shortly after and it was a friend asking about my day. I lost it and spent the evening crying and talking to him about The Man. I finally fell asleep exhausted and slept for about an hour before waking and having to go to work. I cried all the way to work before getting myself under control.

I came home tonight and rushed around to get ready for a meeting. As I left the house, he was blocking the drive. I asked him to move so I could get out. As he walked to his truck he asked me over his shoulder “so how was your DATE?” in a rude tone. I shrugged and mumbled something as I got in the car and took off. I got back from my meeting a mere 45 minutes later to find three e-mails in my in box. They were all from him ranting about how he lost that big contract today. I can’t help but wonder now.

I find it interesting how when he was loving and kind and with me things were great for him. When he left under such horrible conditions, things went south for him in a big way. As he made an effort to make things right and do what he promised things came around again. Then when he STOPS things go south again….

I think karma is in action, what do you think?.

Wild hair on Wednesday July 18,2007

honestly have to say, I can’t think of one single dang thing to write about today. My mind is jumping all over like a needle across a scratchy old LP. I am trying to just sit and type and hope something coherent comes out. Most likely not but maybe I will hit something if I just start blabbing about what is on my mind because I really need to get some of it off my mind.


Some of the material that is on my mind, makes me feel the need to use the little disclaimer thingy….


I am going to hedge my bets here and rather than field comments later here comes the disclaimer.


1) I am talking about myself and MY OWN opinions here. I am not even remotely suggesting that I feel the same about anyone else nor that anyone else should feel the same.

2) This blog might contain “language”

3) This blog might be viewed as offensive or poking fun at handicaps or disease…see #1.

4) Some of you may have heard some of this before. For you I say, thanks for the practice reminding myself and allowing me to vent or describe to you.

5) Please no one freak if this is the first you have seen these sorts of comments from me.



Death and dying: It happens, in fact it seems to be all around me these days. I find it amazing that people seem to have very weird and diverse thoughts on the subject. I actually saw one today where the response to “my dad died” was… “oh, such a bummer” and another elsewhere was “Death is tragic and so sad!”. I find it amazing many times that people preface a condolence with a religious type comment and then go on and on about how sorry that they are that the person died. Maybe it is my own personal weirdness but I find that confusing. If you are a religious person (and some who aren’t) don’t you believe in an afterlife? If you believe in an afterlife of any kind, isn’t it a good thing that some one “moved on to their reward”? I honestly believe that the only sadness to be associated with death is for the ones who are left behind. They are the ones who suffered and lost after all. The should be no sadness in death only loss to this mortal plane. The definition of the “afterlife” and stuff should be left for another day cause I am rather pissy about it today.

.

.

TV and Radio: What ever happened to quality TV programming? I miss all those old shows (Schoolhouse Rock, electric company… anyone?). I seldom find anything these days that makes it worth even turning on the TV. People get cranky when I say that. That’s right, I don’t watch TV, it is not anything other than lack of interest in what is on, nothing more, no message. Along these same lines I love music and yet hardly ever turn on the radio. Why? The commercials and the format drive me insane. Why do I need to listen to four thousand commercials for every ONE song? For that matter, why do I need to listen to some YAAWHo blabber on endlessly about crap in between the songs? And with all the tons of fantastic music out there WHY OH WHY do you only play the SAME thirty some songs OVER AND FREAKING OVER….. Here is what I want out of a station. Pick a genre, put every song in that genre on random play, and let ‘er rip. If you HAVE to talk, when the song is over, tell me who it was, the title and if you really have to still say something give me some thing about the song….then shut up and play the next one. Keep your dumb commercials to yourself…. I would listen to a station like that… Oh wait. I already do. Have I mentioned lately that I LOVE Sirius radio? Yeah, I do, almost as much as I love my CD changer.

.

.

Dogs and pets: They are annoying, they sure can rack up the vet bills, they are like perma-children, and they sure can destroy a home…but they also sure are great. They are always happy to see you, even though you can’t always tell with some cats, they listen without ever arguing or complaining, they really don’t care what you look like, and they love you unconditionally.

.

.


Flirting: I have seen this subject around a bunch lately too. From my perspective there have been two common themes about it. One is the theme of “shame shame you shouldn’t be doing that.” And the other is the theme of “oh sorry, I didn’t mean to offend.”. The first theme of shame shame; whats up with that? When did flirting become naughty or shameful? Flirting is a fun banter of a slightly “sexual” nature. AND????? It does not mean that you are going to run off and actually HAVE sex with the person. Sheesh. I flirt with quite a few people and some are married, some are single, some are male, some are female, some are older, and some are younger. It does not mean that I have any interest in these folks other than fun banter. Those of you who were yelling shame, just have dirty minds or something. Flirting does not equal sex. Flirting does not equal INTENT. Flirting is words, nothing more and nothing less. Get over it there is nothing wrong with flirting without intent. Now, to those who feel the need to apologize for flirting…. Why? Are there people who actually get upset if you flirt with them? If so I am in trouble. I flirt with pretty much anyone, randomly, and without asking… oops. I flirt with a lot of folks and I further confess that I have no interest in “sexual relations” with most of them (sad I know, stop crying). Some folks are just good flirters. Some flirters are kind of low key about it and some are downright blushy about it. I am not very good at it sometimes, but I try. Some folks just make it easier to flirt with them or bring that out better than others. Flirting is fun if it is kept CLEAN. Flirting is NOT fun when it becomes pornographic so please don’t send me pictures of naked bits, please don’t tell me in graphic details what you wish to do, and for goodness sakes, keep your clothes on. Other than that, please feel free to flirt. If I think it is a problem I will let you know, until then, don’t apologize for it and please don’t tell me how “wrong” it is.

.

.


Truth: why is it that people will ask you something and NOT want to hear the answer? Or worse yet those people who INSIST that you be “brutally honest” with them and then get angry when you are? Why ask a question at all if you don’t want to know the answer? Why not simply say, “hey lie to me and tell me this looks great on me!” Or “Pretend I just asked you how your day was and pretend I listened intently.” “feeling down today, blow air up my skirt and tell me how fantastic I am..” I mean seriously. I would much rather someone simply be honest with me. I might not LIKE the answer but I want to know the truth. I have certain friends who I won’t go shopping with no matter how many times they ask, beg, or plead. Why? Besides the fact I HATE shopping, I hate going shopping with people who insist on dragging over to the fitting room while they try on stuff and ask your opinion. Then when you reply “yes honey it is a great dress but it doesn’t work so well on your body style” they blow a gasket. I’m sorry I missed the class in “girl school” where you are supposed to let your friend walk around looking like an idiot rather than politely say… “not for you dear.” More than that, I really hate when people will tell you ANYTHING looks great on you. Don’t laugh, I have tested this theory with some SERIOUSLY out there weird stuff and there are certain people who if they go shopping with me, I completely ignore their advice. The same holds for serious stuff too not just the fluff. Ever try to tell a friend that their significant other has a “bad habit”? Regardless of how bad the habit is, they get mad at who? Yeah, you. Still battling this with several family members DESPITE the fact that they have since told others “yeah, she was right” and I have NEVER EVER gone up to anyone and gone “told you so…”. Truth is truth. And once said, it is never grounds for gloating, nor is it something you should take lightly, nor is it anything that should ever be used against someone. Truth is not always nice but it should be treated nicely. You don’t have to be mean to be honest. Likewise you don’t always have to blurt the truth every second either sometimes the best answer is still to simply shut your mouth.

.

.


Religion: Ok so I said I wasn’t going here, but I am anyway… I want someone to quote me CHAPTER and VERSE of where exactly it says in the bible (a REAL one, not necessarily a Christian one but ANY real one as opposed to a “modified one”) that if you do not follow a SPECIFIC RELIGION you are not going to heaven. I have read a lot of different bibles in my time. I went to parochial schools so I read in entirety both the King James and the New Revised Standard version. I also read parts of the “translated” Torah, I have read the catholic version, the Living Bible, as well as the Vedas. I have read bits of the religious texts of almost all the eastern religions. Religion and the understanding of the similarities and differences is a HUGE deal in my family. It has been for generations so I have a fair understanding of lots of them. The one thing I have NEVER seen in these texts is any sort of note that says, if your practice these beliefs in a different manner you are more (or less) holy and therefore will (or will not) go on to the afterlife. It simply IS not there. All these religious books have ONE very clear point: The NATURE of GOD and how you should and should not act. There is nothing in them that outlines all the rites and other things that make up organized religions. Those things are all WAYS of worship that were devised by MAN. That is not to say that they are right or wrong just that they are NOT the will of god. I want to point out as well that ALL these books also have something else in common, they are all the retelling of things by MAN. They may have had divine inspiration but none of these works was penned by God himself. To those “Christians” who believe that ANY non-Christian will not go to heaven, I would like to remind you…Jesus was a Jew, how do you explain that he sits on the “right hand of God” if non-Christians don’t go to heaven? Is it really so difficult to see that all religions are essentially the same? The rites and traditions vary as does the terminology to describe things but underneath it all they are ALL about the same thing, faith in a single higher ultimate power.

.

.


Alcoholic Drinks:…. Perhaps I will have one tonight…. I have a top five list of drinks and it includes Margaritas, Daiquiris, Gin and Tonic, SoCo (or B&B depending on the season), and Gin Maritinis (sad that you have to add the “gin” these days). I love margaritas….on the rocks, light salt please…. I never used to order my margarita with light salt. I like the salt but not a lot of it in my drink even though my doctor tells me to eat more salt. Funny thing is that one of the FEW ways my dad and I are different is this one. He LOVES salt on his and can never seem to get enough to last the drink so he has a funny habit of reaching over and stealing a lick off my glass then drinking his own. It works for both of us. If he is not around I have to remember to ask for light salt or wipe it off. I also love daiquiris. They are yummy in all their wonderful flavors. I was quite sad to find this weekend that the ONLY good daiquiri shop around here is no longer owned by the NOLA institution of the Giacomo family. It is now owned by someone else and the daiquiri machines that used to line the walls are gone. In fact, they don’t even sell them anymore. I was sad. It had become just another yuppy bar. Maybe someday I will buy a bar and have my own herd of daiquiri machines along with all the old traditional drinks that are getting more difficult to order these days. They are actually advertising “classic” bars as a selling point so you can walk in off the street and not have to explain how to make a gin and tonic to the bartender. No offense to bar tenders, when all you get asked for is kiddie cocktails, that is what you are going to know how to make best.

.

.


Ok, Now I really NEED that drink because it makes all the rest of this stuff easier to deal with…or at least you feel that way…. (kidding, sheesh, call off the intervention)….