Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Kurious About Karma

My religious leanings have never been a secret. I am pretty open about my beliefs and things but this might get a little hairy in spots so….if you might be offended by religion or disturbed by words of illness you might want to skip this blog.


One of the things I am a firm believer in is karma. I have talked about it before on more than one occasion. On this occasion it is a very specific instance and one about which I am curious to know other opinions.

Um the scary illness part. Many of you were around back on that fateful day in June last year and others of you read about it. For summary and those who weren’t here.

On June 6th last year I woke after a few very restless hours sleep. I was seriously disturbed. I was not sure why but I was certain that something was about to go very wrong. As was our way back then, I woke The Man and he jumped in the shower. He was always concerned with my sleep habits so insisted that I always stayed in bed until he was ready to leave. This never flew. I hopped out of bed, made coffee, got things ready for the day, and then hopped back in bed. I lay there trying to get a handle on the feeling I was having and couldn’t. The Man finished his shower and got dressed. He came and sat the edge of the bed and same as every morning I wrapped myself around him and across his lap for a hug. We kissed and cuddled there for a few minutes and then he had to leave. He went to the kitchen and got his coffee then headed for the door. Unable to stand it anymore, I dove out of bed and chased him to the door. I stopped him and hugged him again. With a few more kisses I urged him to be very careful and watched as he walked across the yard to his truck. I stood there uneasy and waved as he pulled out of the drive. I tried to put my concerns out of my mind and get on with my own day. I didn’t have much to do those days as I was still trying to get my leg to work so I could go back to work outside the house. I was just about to get in the shower when I heard my cell phone ring. I picked it up and saw that it was one of The Man’s employees. This usually meant a parts run for me but not today. As I answered the phone with a hello I was greeted with those words that would change my life forever.

“The Man is dead”.

A long story ensues here but as you probably all know by now he was only mostly dead. I prayed as I rushed to the hospital. I prayed as I held on to him for dear life. I prayed as I followed the ambulance that moved him from one hospital to another. I sat there alone in the ICU as I prayed one more time for guidance on the crucial question. You see The Man had always told me he had a living will. He never wanted to be kept alive on life support and yet here we were. The hospital told me he wasn’t going to make it. They told me he might be a vegetable the rest of his life on that damn machine that still to this day makes its erratic clicks, hums, and whistles in my nightmares. The last prayer I made before I gave the OK included a little bit extra beyond the please let him live I had been praying all day and night. There were the added thoughts of I am already sick, If you have to take someone please take me and let him live. Then I gave the Ok and they turned it off. There were a few heartbreaking seconds before he heaved up off the bed and began to breathe on his own. He had done it, he beat the death sentence.

Why is that important? It was while driving him around during his recovery that I began to have trouble seeing. I started to see what I describe as halos. I have always seen auras so don’t be confused. I mean that light began to break up into orb light halos. Polarized sunglasses became a necessity. Driving at night meant trying to avoid traffic to avoid the headaches.

Once The Man was stable I scheduled a physical just to be sure since MS has a symptom of visual disturbances. My doctor started testing that would eventually lead to the discovery of Maxwell. My second “terminal” issue. People often comment on my calm acceptance of this diagnosis. This is why, it is the price I paid to save the life of the man I love and it is worth every bit of price paid even today.

The karma issue comes in next. The Man eventually recovered. He took this illness almost eerily in stride, in fact he ignored it for the most part. He would become irate if you mentioned it. As I got sicker, he got better. He would eventually leave me. There were a whole lot of things that happened in that leaving. None of them were good for me. In short I was unemployed, dying, and he wanted the house which meant I would have to move elsewhere. Shortly thereafter things began to go badly for The Man. He developed an illness of his own, he lost a massive contract that crippled his business, and a variety of other things all bad. One night I mentioned to him that he seemed to have acquired some bad karma. He doesn’t believe in karma and was annoyed I would suggest such a thing. It has persisted over the months. I finally got a job and started working again and helped him with some bids and things that finally started to get some business going for him but not anything big. He accepted that I needed time to get my feet under me before I could move.

He has not held up on some promises he made to me. Notably, he promised to stay my friend and to be there for me. He hasn’t, in fact every time something has happened he has been notably absent. I got very very sick when I did that round of chemo. I had some problems with it to understate things. One night I called him and tried to talk to him. I told him I was very sick. He said he was at the grocery store and asked me about cauliflower. I told him I was in the parking lot of the hospital about to go in to the IC for help. He suddenly told me he had to go and would call me back and hung up. He didn’t. I was nursed through that initial bad reaction to the chemo and sent home. I went and tried to call him with no luck. I toughed it out as best I could. One night I didn’t show up somewhere I was expected and a friend got worried and came to check on me. I was alright but not by much. He made sure I got taken care of and made it a point to check in with me. When The Man found out, he became quite irritated and almost jealous it seemed. He began to call this friend “Big Friend” instead of just “Friend”. It became quite clear that every time I mentioned this friend The Man became jealous. This confused me more as if he had left me, how could he be jealous?

Recently The Man got irritated about something and in a fit of anger told me to go get laid. I got upset and just left the house. The next day he was quite the jerk to me then he disappeared for the weekend as usual. The following week he didn’t come around at all and well into the next week. Then he surfaced one day. Cranky, irate, and surly. He made some smart remark about “Big Friend” that included a reference to sex. I was puzzled and made that clear. He told me that he had heard I was sleeping with “Big Friend”. After I stopped laughing I told him that this was so far from the truth as to be almost hysterical. He finally believed me and things returned to almost normal. I say almost as he still periodically makes jealous sounding statements when the subject of “Big Friend” comes up and will not talk about him or acknowledge he exists.

One day he defended something by “I am your friend and being really nice and understanding with you. I promptly made a big deal about how he had NOT been there for me and how he HAS not been at all understanding or done any of the things he said he would. He was very upset at first but then called me later and said I was absolutely right and he apologized. He made what seemed a sincere effort to try to be better. Things finally began to pan out with the contract bids I had helped with and he got what looked like a potentially huge contract out of one.

I went out of town and upon my return he was again cranky, irate, and surly. Finally I got it out of him that he heard “about my trip”. I knew instantly but ignored the comment but made it clear with a few well chosen trip stories that “Big Friend” had not been involved in my trip and things calmed down again. But he again stopped making an effort to “be there” for me like he had promised. Just last night, I came rushing through the house after work. I was meeting an internet friend for the first time and was running late. As I pulled in the drive I saw The Man’s truck. I parked and rushed in. I said hi as I passed him, I fed the dog, and asked him to make sure she went out before he left. As I headed for the door he asked where I was going. Knowing that mentioning meeting an internet friend would spawn a fight since he disapproves of the blog media, I said the fateful shortcut words, “I have a date”. I trotted out the door and forgot about it.

When I arrived home later, I noticed I had e-mail. I opened it and it was from The Man. It was a list of things he wanted done and wanted done now. It was short, snappish, and not very nice in fact it was pretty horrible. He complained I had not done something the weekend before which was true because I had been sick in bed all weekend which he knew but he was angry anyway. He threatened to make me move even though I am still not yet able to. He questioned if I was even really sick or faking it on order to take advantage of him. I was upset by the nasty tone of the e-mail but sucked it up and replied to each question as if they had been nicely asked and then I went to bed. My phone rang shortly after and it was a friend asking about my day. I lost it and spent the evening crying and talking to him about The Man. I finally fell asleep exhausted and slept for about an hour before waking and having to go to work. I cried all the way to work before getting myself under control.

I came home tonight and rushed around to get ready for a meeting. As I left the house, he was blocking the drive. I asked him to move so I could get out. As he walked to his truck he asked me over his shoulder “so how was your DATE?” in a rude tone. I shrugged and mumbled something as I got in the car and took off. I got back from my meeting a mere 45 minutes later to find three e-mails in my in box. They were all from him ranting about how he lost that big contract today. I can’t help but wonder now.

I find it interesting how when he was loving and kind and with me things were great for him. When he left under such horrible conditions, things went south for him in a big way. As he made an effort to make things right and do what he promised things came around again. Then when he STOPS things go south again….

I think karma is in action, what do you think?.

2 comments:

Sapphic Graphics said...

I can't believe no one else has read this and commented. All I have to say is that this blog evidently isn't on the radar of most of your friends. Although that doesn't surprise me - I don't think anyone follows my bloglinks from 360 either.

ANYWAY, I was actually shocked to read this. Not about the karma part - oh yes, I SOOOOO believe in karma, definitely. No, what shocked me was the story, and the actions (and inactions) of The Man. I guess from what I read on 360 I had a much more positive impression of him.

I know I don't need to say anything else about him and probably you wouldn't want to hear it, because I know you love him anyway. Which is only harder still on you because of your whole understanding of karma. I know what it's like to watch someone do something so wrong and wish they wouldn't - for THEIR sake.

I am learning to live the Three Jewels of the Tao, so I am going to go with compassion here for the karma bill The Man is accruing.

DeeAnne said...

Like I said, I post stuff over here that is kind of sensitive to certain people over there.

As far as The Man, don't let this influence your perception of him too much. He IS a spectacular and wonderful person.
He is finding it impossible to deal with me being sick. He told me once that he couldn't bear to see me hurt/sick/unhappy. I guess I can understand that even if it is sort of selfish to not be there for me when I need him.

He has been far more positive in my life than negative but I am finding it hard to watch him struggle through these things when it seems that the answer is right in front of him.